"Those from whom we have benefited the most aren't those who have tried to help us but rather those who have actively tried - but eventually failed - to harm us." - Nassim Taleb in Antifragile

The long running problem with unsolicited advice could very well be rooted in how the nuggets of accumulated wisdom are granted from others at no cost to one's self. Perhaps the best kinds of advice appear not as free samples of insight but instead in frightening forms, such that our instinctive reaction is to turn away in fear.

How could it be true that the best kinds of advice ought to scare you away?

Kindness to shadows

The instinctive biological reaction to what we do not (yet) understand boils down to the fight-or-flight mechanism deep inside our internal programming.

Imagine walking alone down a street late at night, it is the rare and very peculiar human being who upon hearing rustling in nearby bushes would choose to stop and ask with an open curiosity, "Oh interesting, what could that be?" instead of rationally accelerating his cadence.

The shadows hint at something that's going on outside the realm of our perceptual sphere, and it makes very rational sense to turn away from such sources of uncertainty. However there is also a cost to choosing to reside well within our circles of competence. To choose to construct high fences of security is to keep what is foreign, frightening and potentially dangerous out - at the cost of keeping what is already inside confined and "in its place."

Growth and expansion, by definition, lie in the shadows. But it is not enough to merely step one's foot into the shadows, one must become competent enough to afford to be kind to such environments.

"Running, man"

Last Wednesday I returned from a short visit to Sydney, having spent an eventful weekend racing in the 2025 Sydney Marathon together with a troop of old friends who had travelled over from the West coast and were also committed to the same cause.

It was not that long ago where holding in my head the mere idea of running continuously for 10 straight kilometres appeared to be both unreasonable and frightening. These shadows first made themselves known to me in October 2022 and I remember this time very vividly because it was on the day of the Melbourne Marathon of that year. At the time I was new to the city and being completely oblivious to the event it was by pure coincidence that I happened to be wandering around by foot on the very day where major roads were being closed, hordes of people dressed in running gear were gathered with determination etched in their faces and a certain energy that was both irrational and inviting was in the air.

I describe this energy as such because it was this sensation that left a seed at the very back of my mind: "What are all these people doing to themselves? Are they crazy? Could I join them next year?"

At the time I was neither a complete stranger nor committed enthusiast about the sport of running, having been exposed to a habitual routine of 5 kilometre jogs every other day of the week and the ever-reliable parkrun community, but even so the audacity of storing such a seed in my mind was both exciting and terrifying.

"To be able to race a half marathon? In what universe would I be capable of that?"

Months passed, the seed remained in the dark and lay ungerminated until the following April at a colleague's wedding reception where I found myself sat between two other colleagues and the conversation flowed towards sports, and that of running in particular. This moment continues to exist as a pivotal point in my mind because as I timidly attempted to articulate my silly and frightening seed of an idea to my colleagues the immediate feedback was, "If you're already planning on doing a half, why not go for the full?" Stunned and in utter disbelief, my instinctive reaction to such a comment was to shake the fear by thinking to myself: "In what universe would I be capable of that?"

A week passes, the 2023 Melbourne Marathon opens for registration and I found myself forking out some $200 to buy an entry to the 42.2 kilometre race. God, what mess have I gotten myself into!

Snippet of 2023 Melbourne Marathon email confirmation

I had 5 months to get my body, mind and spirit together and ready for 15 October 2023 - by taking this first step into the shadows I was now committed, it was no longer a matter of if or whether, and the mission was now to hone in on finding a way out of this mess.

In some strange way, things were easier now compared to before taking the leap. Sure I was now well into the shadows and the path forward was a to-be-determined, but the clarity from having a precise mission proved to be a reassuringly bright source of light to depend upon.

Looking back, I would be lying if I were to say that these 5 months of physical and mental development were a walk in the park. A lot of it was repetitively dull and unglamorous work, putting one good step in front of the other with a blind disregard for what the weather had on its mind. I would also be lying if I were to say that this development was achieved all at my own accord; through luck and by saying more yes's than no's, I found myself regularly spending time with other crazy humans who had also found their way into the sport of running and had also made the very same commitment to themselves of taking a shot at what they believed to be impossible.

To have regular access to such an environment played an essential role through the exposure to routines, mindsets and techniques that made "putting one good step in front of the other" more effective and efficient, but more importantly, it shrunk the far-beyond-one's-reach goal of running a marathon down to Earth.

I went from questioning "in what universe would I be capable of that?" to now believing in the possibility of "why not this very one that I am in right now?"

Or perhaps it's not so much that the goal shrinks down in size, as continuously running a full marathon distance continued to exist as no small matter, but rather the person who has set sights on the target reaches up towards it and closes the gap in that way.

Months passed, competence started to build upon itself and esteem in that I was capable of doing increasingly difficult physical efforts grew.

On 15 October my legs transported me across 42.2km and across the finishing line in 4 hours 19 minutes and 30 seconds. The flush of relief was real, I had survived the trial by fire. I had become someone who is more capable than what I had previously believed to be true. What else could I become more capable at?

2023 Melbourne Marathon result

The gifts that come from completing a marathon are many, even if both the electric feeling in the air throughout the race and the physical medal at the end were to be excluded. In my eyes, one of the most prized among all would have to be a personal appreciation of the value of fitness. I came around to realising that physical, emotional and spiritual fitness are accolades in life that carry price tags that no amount of paper money can purchase. Instead, they are earned and acquired over time through sweat invested and time spent with soul in the game.

And perhaps a similar pattern surrounds unsolicited advice, the kinds of situations where we as receivers are free to listen to nuggets of proferred wisdom but none of the underling value gets realised unless we are willing to put our soul on the line.

Good, timely, worthy advice pulls you in despite (and perhaps, because of) the fear it evokes, in such a way that you voluntarily offer your soul to meet it at the point of exchange. You make the decision to walk into the shadows, without the certainty that you will emerge out the other side unscathed, but with the faith and trust that you are capable of becoming a beacon that beams light into universes which were previously shrouded in darkness.

"One of Eli Goldratt's convictions was that the goal of an individual or an organization should not be defined in absolute terms. A good definition of a goal is one that sets us on a path of ongoing improvement.

Pursuing such a goal necessitates more than one breakthrough. In fact it requires many. To be in a position to identify these breakthroughs we should have a deep understanding of the underlying rules of our environment." - The Goal: A Process of Ongoing Improvement by Eliyahu Goldratt